I haven’t said anything until I was reasonably sure that I had the balls to not give up – after tonight, I can do it.
I’m sure at some point in some future post I’ll go into all the why’s and reasons, but for now, it is what it is. I hit a wall. I’m tired of being the fat girl, of not being able to find clothes that fit on a regular basis – I can wear XXL at Old Navy, or 18-20/22-24 at Lane Bryant, all of which is on a hit or miss status. I’m short so the pants are always too long, and I’ve got more breast than I have head so the shirts are always too short. Fuck this.
It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to Josh, it’s not fair to my kids. Even if in the end I still end up with the full time medicated diabeetus, that’s fine. That’s okay. There’s so many fucking reasons why being fat is bad, and so little reasons why it’s… okay. I can’t think of any reason why it’s good.
The diet changes have been coming little by little, influenced by the need to find another way to eat thanks to Liam’s seemingly copious food allergies. Portion size? I can do it. I did it while I was pregnant, being hungry for a few days was nothing. Type of foods are the harder part. I’m fighting a lifetime of bad choices – my parents started it off (to be honest, I can’t remember a truly healthy meal that I ate during my first sixteen years), I continued it. America sucks, the cheaper and easier to obtain foods are the absolute worst for you. My downfall (and will probably always be) is laziness and accessibility. It’s fucking hard to find a decent meal while you’re out in the car and you need the ability to run through a drive-through somewhere and eat on the go. Add in Liam’s needs, and it’s practically impossible.
I’ve had the kids out walking every single night during this past week. Brian being out of school has helped this a lot – we’ve got 100+ degree temperatures during the day, so the only time that I can willingly expose them to the elements are sunrise and sunset – and I will never be a morning person. Tonight Liam and I went down and ate dinner with Josh – something we’ve done the last couple of months or so. (Saturday nights work out, Brian’s usually always with Kevin and I’m lonely, plus there’s not as much traffic on the weekends and with Brian in school I’d need to be home earlier on a Sunday – his break is at 6:45.) Afterwards, I decided that instead of driving home to walk I was going to stop on the way and walk around this lake that we’ve been to a few times.
I grossly under-estimated the length of the trail around the lake. “A 3.3 miles (5.3 km) trail surrounds Bachman Lake”
I, who a week ago and for the past thirteen years has done absolutely nothing, walked this trail tonight. It was closer to 3.5 miles, portions of the trail are closed for renovation and you have to walk around them. I fucking did it – started at 7:50pm, got back to the car (after putting the stroller in the back and the sleeping Liam in his seat) at 9:05pm. Three and a half miles, an hour and fifteen minutes.
I can do this.